This weekend Florian and Andrea held a birthday party. Most of the gang was there for the big event.

For weeks we been keeping the secret of the real reason for the party and if you missed it, here is the big proposal:

Congrats guys!

So on Wednesday we had our team outing. Very big ol fun. I have already announced the pictures here, and as always you can see this on my Flickr page. This gave me a good chance to try the video capabilities of my camera and my mac. So the following are those results.

This first one is a total wipe out of Caleb, Andrea, and Curtis:

Here is Curtis showing us up with his new found skills. After 6 attempts he makes it up out of the water:

Finally, here is Caleb. Poor guy got hurt bad. You gotta hand it to him, after being thrown out 3 times then trying wake boarding, its no wonder he was exhausted and hurtin:

Thanks to Marcelo we got a boat to play with. Thanks to Justin’s parent’s and their lake house at Lake Medina. That place is awesome to say the least. We had a ball of a time, and as Greg can show in this picture, completely worn out.

Back when I lived in Farmville, VA, I was making 350 dollars a month. Yeah thats right, 350 a month, 100 of which went to rent. There is a long story involved in that situation which I’ll bring up at some-point but the lessons I learned on survival are used even today.

There is a way to eat, drink, and survive for 0 dollars a day. You must take in mind the teachings and art of the ninja. I don’t mean wearing a mask and a sword, thats just dumb. That and women get turned off when fat guys wear masks. I am talking about stealth, secrecy, and knowing your environment.

Actual artist rendition of a typical Food Ninja from the 15th century. This was found among other scrolls, inside a chest in the deserts of Henrico Country, VA. One of the scrolls revealed this rendition. The artist, (phonetically spoken, Pie At Sigma), history tells us, was never heard from again after making this picture.”

Actually, before I get too far along, let me give you a history lesson on the Food Ninja. Back in the 15th century, feudal Japan was plagued by moochers of free food. These people created a band of brothers called the Food Ninja. Their exploits were so successful that the government had to do something about it. So they required them to wear masks over their mouths. This would give a handicap to the Food Ninja and give at least a fighting chance to local merchants trying to give food samples to gullible customers. With the mask, their powers of eating were significantly reduced. This lead to the great breakup in Henrico Country and the disbanding of the Brotherhood Of The Henrico Co Fatties in 1596. Seemingly this event ending the Food Ninja’s era, there are still a few who honor this way of life. If you are lucky, or rather, unlucky, you may run into one. Pretend to not see them or they will flip out and punch you in the throat. When approached by a Food Ninja, give him any samples you have, even if its just mints from Olive Garden. They are hungry and prally a bit grumpy so do whatever it takes to fill their stomachs.

So back to eating for free. The following are a few places, I can’t give all my secrets away so I am only going to tell you about a few of them. The first is:

Costco/Price Club/Sam’s Club = AKA BIG ASS WAREHOUSE SUPER CENTER!

There is gold in them aisles. The first thing you wanna do is hang out in front and wait for a big party or family. Inconspicuously you walk in with them pretending to be part of their entourage. Make note this is to avoid the 50 dollar membership card which you don’t need. We are eatin here we aint buying 5 lbs of M&M’s so why do you need the membership card? If they give you crap, tell them you want their “day pass” which they will give you so you can at least get by their front door people. And for real, if you want to just browse why do they insist on the member card? I am not saying not buy it, hell it will pay off if you go more than just a few times to check out these places. 50 dollars for a year of free food, well thats just good math. Plus those places have amazing A/C and after the Texas heat, man those places are like an oasis.

Remember the way of the ninja. Part of every successful eatery is using the first rule:

Know the layout and environment!

Here is a map of a typical Costco/Sam’s Club Super Big Ass Warehouse Super Center:

What you want to do is a counter clockwise movement around the center section. Usually I start at the back. The back always has some lady with meats giving samples. The samples usually include their frozen sale of the day. With meat/protein in hand, make your way further counter clockwise, you’ll almost always encounter someone in the left with samples of power drinks/mixed drinks. Eat, drink, you are 2/3 percent done. You can then go back to the right far side and have desert. Almost always they have some lady with cookies or some other baked goods. Congratulations, you just had a full meal on the house.

Now you may argue that the samples are not that big and you cant get full. HAH my friend this is the second secret:

Know the shifts!

Always leave at least 30 – 1 hour between visits. Don’t be conspicuous, these samplers have a job to do, they are trying to sell you food, so don’t be memorable. If they do catch on to your multiple visits, play it off and say:

Oh haha, yeah its me again, those were just SO good, you mind if I try another?

give a wink and boom your set up again almost guaranteed. Now finding something to drink honestly is harder than the food itself. If they are being stingy about the power drinks, remember, every one of those places has a water fountain by the front of the store.

Can this be done for breakfast? You better believe it. This brings me to the second gold mine, Krispy Kreme.

Krispy Kreme has some of the best crack based donuts in the world. But their weakness, they’re COCKY! Yeah they think that since they are so awesome, even if they give it away you’ll still buy a dozen donuts. This is where they are wrong. Food hunter, you must avoid the temptation to overfill your belly.

Here is how it works. First you walk in, then take your right hand, and gently stroke and squeeze your chin. As if in high pensive and uninterruptible thought. You can even go so far as making a few “hmm’s” or “errmm’s” . Your goal here is to give the impression you are trying to decide on what organization of donuts you want. Invariably, some girl behind the desk will see your plight, and give you the magic word:

Would you like a sample?

Why of course you want a sample, accept it graciously, then LEAVE! Don’t run, you will be too obvious, and you will ruin any future exploit of this area. Kinda sneak out as others are coming in, they will be too busy filling some soccer mom’s 24 donut order.

As a single guy, me buying a dozen donuts is ridiculous. There is no way I can pack away that much sugar. The advantage though of being one guy, I CAN live off one donut every morning. Again, you’ll do well to figure out their shifts. The same girl in the morning, prally isn’t the same during lunch and so forth. There is also multiple stores of this brand around. So rotating days with which ones you visit will increase your meal ratios.

Picture of Jedi Master Car Salesman. I found this picture at Business Week. This guy is NOT your friend!

The next example, car dealerships. Particularly on Saturdays, car dealerships do some weird stuff, like have cook-offs and promotions to get you to buy a car. We’ll take advantage of this scam. It is as simple as looking like your interested and making your way towards the free hot-dogs. This is a high risk endeavor so be careful. You may go in with your plan set but come out with a hot-dog and a payment for a new 350-Z. So remember, think like the ninja. Sales people will use their Jedi mind tricks to get you to think they are your friend. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. They are only the obstacle to lunch. I’m not saying just walk in go get your hot-dog and run. You gotta learn to play the field.

Keep your eye on test drive promotions. I remember the VW place used to give you a free dinner at the local bistro if you just test drove the car. Remember take advantage of all opportunities. Stay strong remember the mission. Find the worst sales man on the floor. This will be the guy sweating. Sweating cause he’s got a quota and he is coming to the end of the month. Usually he’s so bad, you don’t have to worry about getting sold on a car. Ask questions, let him show you the H2 he needs to sell for his quota, and have him take you in to talk numbers. While he is scrambling away with his manager, you get your free lunch. When your done, tell him you’ll think about it and leave. Yeah this sounds bad, but remember be strong food ninja. Your goal is to survive, if it means being mean and bustin a few skulls, then ya gotta do it.

If you have to pay for food, go to a “All You Can Eat” buffet. There is no timeline to those things. You just gotta be prepared to last the whole day. Take a laptop, and stay from morning till they close. I have done this a few times, but this is a very vulnerable setup. The local Dominos used to have a buffet and I used to stay for 8 hours at a time. Part of what keeps you from getting noticed is rotating tables. This brings the next tip:

Keep moving!

Remember, some of these places have waitresses who live off tips. You being their takes away tip money and they have no issue kicking you out if you are taking up a table. I know, I have been kicked out of a Waffle House or two for this issue. Remember to eat the expensive stuff. Don’t fill up on noodles and rice. Eat the meats first!

Now before I finish this DIY, I gotta tell you the things to avoid. Thousands of years ago, the best food moochers, aka Pirates, used to get scurvy. This is something you want to avoid. While the food samples and lunch may fill you up. It is important to have your balance of nutrition and vitamins. I have been told a packet of ketchup from Mc Donald’s has enough vitamin C to get you through the day for instance. Mexican restaurants have limes and other fruit condiments which can also keep you healthy. Keep your eyes open and stay healthy. Balance and the way of the tao!

The last one I’ll tell you about is pretty obvious. The ice-cream store. They will let you sample to your heart’s content. You can even get away with almost half a cup before they start giving you looks. Make a furled look every time you taste so its convincing that you don’t like what you tasted. As if it were their fault. They’ll apologize and let you continue sampling.

Now the best example of the above has to be that scene from Half Baked. This guy uses the true ninja way. If you get good enough, you’ll be able to perform as well as this guy:

Now with this knowledge, you can be a true master and cheap bastard like me. Remember to keep the way of the ninja, and honor the memory of the Food Ninjas.