Q-tips, they seem pretty innocent enough. I got them to like do what every damn person in the world does with em, to clean muy damn ears. But what-ho, what is this? A warning label?

We suggest not using this product for what you thought you were going to use this product for.

In case you are retarded, here’s some ideas buddy

Clean The Sewers

Move, and the baby GETS IT!

<---------- KETCHUP

CATSUP———->

<---------- KETCHUP

CATSUP———->

Why do we need two spellings. Isn’t English hard enough for other countires? As if I need to introduce another 10 seconds of thought to the grueling grocery shopping experience? At any rate, the fine students at the prestigious MIT have invented the CATSUP CRAPPER! Yeah its worth while to watch the movie of it in action here if only to hear the guys laughing their asses off in the background. Man their parents must be proud putting that ivy league edumacashon to use! But this should prove my point of irony. MIT students, smart guys and all, calling it “CATSUP CRAPPER” and not “KETCHUP CRAPPER”! Maby its more for the rhyming aspect. Aw whatever, I’ll let it go this time. Who am I to judge spelling, I cant spell wroth a damn anyway.

Let me set the stage. It was 10th grade, in our teens and innocent. That’s what I tell my mom anyway. But you know you had those teachers that put stuff in your head that you will NEVER forget. The teachers who touched your life, the ones who set you on your way to conquering the future. The ones with the best intentions who only wanted to see you succeed. Then there were the other ones. God bless-em, they tried.

During this time, I guess our high school was freaking out about sex and how to talk about it. This is the first time I can remember the school being frank about it. Administration got it in their heads that they needed to try something more modern. That loosen the tie; “Hey guys lets rap about sex m’tay!”; was what they came up with.

I remember having to sit through at least 5 of these such rap sessions. They were group meetings where they take the girls in one room and the guys in the other and talk guy to guy or girl to girl. I can’t speak for the girls’ experiences but the guys’ was so lame and awkward.

One guy, 60 years old, told me that sex was like buying a motorcycle. A motorcycle? Yeah, his rational was, ya don’t want a motorcycle with a lot of miles, that has been driven hard, the seat all torn up … gets bad gas mileage … wait no, not the last one.

So I digress back to my memory that will haunt me forever. My teacher, Mrs Crews was in her 70’s. A little senile, but what a wonderful lady. She took it upon herself to give me the greatest advise. I can see the heavens parting and the light shown down upon her as she uttered the following:

“Don’t have oral-sex after eating Doritos!”

She was trying to get across something about how its easier to contract AIDS from the small cuts or something but I tell you for the next hour the only thing I remember is my brow furled and my mouth wide open trying to process this mental image of 70 year old lady and oral-sex.

*SHUDDER*

So here’s to you Mrs. Crews! I will NEVER … EVER … for the rest of my life be able to look at a bag of Doritos and not think about you. Thanks Mrs Crews, wherever you are.